Reverend Les Wicker, a native of North Carolina,was ordained in 1968 in the United Church of Christ. He has served churches in North Carolina, Florida, and Wisconsin. He is presently the Senior Pastor of First Congregational Church of Naples,Florida. He is the author of Preparing Couples For Marriage.

Q. What are the primary challenges facing couples today?

A. I believe household and marital stressare the primary challenges facing couples today. It is a pressure-cooker world fornew marriages and young families as they cope with such concerns as finances in a changing economy, affordable housing, available time for family matters and leisure, and a competitive job market. Many couples are not prepared for the stress they encounter upon launching theirmarriage and establishinga home. Such stress may produce feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment, and depression; feelings that are often vented toward the most available target, the one to whom they are married. Couples need to understand some of these challenges up front and realize that the answers to such challenges lie within themselves. It is only in working together, and not againstone other, that problems may be resolved and stress diminished.

Q. Is it worse now than it was 25 years ago?

A. Couples face far more challenges today than couples faced 25 years ago. In addition to theadded stresses of family life, couples find themselves in a highly mobile world. Job changes and mobility negate the support systems of family and community and create a sense of detachment. Distances separating extended family members have created a void in terms of support and encouragement. Families today are much more emotionally isolated than those of the past. Cell phones and email are great tools for communicating with extended family members, but cannot take the place of proximity living.

Q. Are you confident that premarital counseling can really make a difference?

A. Premarital counseling can counter many of the challenges couples face today by: 1) Formally recognizing some of the challenges of marriage and developing a plan to meet those challenges, 2) enabling couples to understand who they are and what they are bringing to the table in terms of the relationship, 3) understanding that when a person marries, s/he does not simply marry the person, but marries a family and must have an understanding of who the family is, 4) formally developing a profile of one's life, 5) finding ways to avoid and/or to address conflict when it arises, 6) enabling couples to plan ahead financially and, 7) understanding the relationship in terms of commitment.

Q. At the conclusion of counseling, should pastors recommend that the couple not be married?

A. Pastors often find themselves in a "Catch 22" in terms of decisions about whether to pronounce the church's blessing on a marriage. During the premarital counseling process, pastors often observe red flags and feel the marriage will be in jeopardy, even before it happens. To refuse a couple the blessing of the church by notperforming a ceremony may cause fallout for the pastor. When couples are determined to be married, they will usually do so, with or without the church's blessing. However, couples do look to the pastor for guidance, that being one of the purposes of premarital counseling. When thereis uncertainty regarding blessing a marriage, I have suggested the couple think of postponing the marriage. Such a suggestion enables a couple to conclude that there are some areas of concern, and it is better for the couple to make their own conclusion about whether or notthis is the right match.

Q. Some pastors are being asked to marry gay couples or at least recognize their status in the congregation. What are your feelings about this rising tide of social acceptance?

A. Most pastors will be asked their opinion of same-sex marriage or even requested to bless a same-sex union, whether or not it is legally recognized by the state. Every pastor needs to work through his/her opinion and be theologically based in the development of that opinion. My personal feeling about same-sex marriage is that it does not represent the teaching of scripture or the historical position of the church. While I carefully seek to avoid offending anyone requesting such a blessing, I also feel the need to uphold the historic faith of the church.

Q. Should a Christian marriage always be celebrated within the confines of the church sanctuary?

A. This is a question pastors will have to address as more and more couples are seeking to have their weddings outside the church proper. The resources of the church in terms of setting, music, and celebration of the service itself, cannot be matched in a secular setting. I am, however, finding more couples wishing to celebrate their vows outside of the church sanctuary. Good advice to the couple is: “What the church setting has to offer cannot be replicated.” However, celebrating a marriage in a secular setting can have great meaning. Couples are simply to be reminded that the pastor is called because s/he represents the church and his/her presence sends the message of the blessing of the church.

Q. It appears that the church condones pre-marriage sexual behavior by marrying the pregnant and the “live together couples.”

A. Pregnancy should never be used as a reason to marry. Historically, the "shotgun" wedding was the quick answerfor an unmarried, expecting mom. Intentionally getting pregnant was sometimes used as a lure into marriage. While every pastor would like to believe the givenmarriage would be consummated on the honeymoon, statistics bear out the truth that we live in a sexually active society, whether married or not. Pastors now find themselves not only being requested to marry couples who may be expecting, but couples who already have children. While this may seem and feel awkward,pastors must minister to people where they are. My rule of thumb in these situations is the recently coined phrase: WWJD--WhatWould Jesus Do? I believe he would love the couple and do what was in theirbest interest.However, children, whether born or unborn, cannot be the reason for marriage. Such reasoning can only mean the relationship is headed for disaster.